We all know the old adage “never pee into the wind,” but there are some additional, quality, “how to” ideas about peeing that are not, apparently, self-evident. For those times, here are 15 rules for peeing to pass on:
Rule 1. No playing in your brother’s pee stream.
“Only play in my own pee stream? Got it, Mum!”
Rule 2. No playing in your own pee stream. No playing in pee streams in general. Under certain circumstances, and using your own equipment, exceptions can be made for activities like peeing straight down into snow and then measuring for comparison. I mean, we parents aren’t monsters.
Rule 3. No pee fights. Just no.
Rule 4. If you’ve ever wondered what it sounds like to pee on the wall or in the garbage can or on the floor or in the toy bin or inside the garage or behind your bed, IT SOUNDS LIKE PEE. STOP IT.
Rule 5. A swimsuit is for getting wet. A swimsuit is not for wetting. Don’t pee in the pool. More importantly, when you do pee in the pool, don’t announce it. Announcing it includes both verbal and nonverbal clues. Verbal clues include hollering, “I just peed in the pool, Mum! It made a nice warm spot! Come feel!” Nonverbal clues include scrambling out of the pool, grabbing your private parts and then watching the pee dribble down your legs.
Rule 6. Pee is not stamps or coins or baseball cards or comic books. Don’t collect it.
Rule 7. Yes, of course you can pee outside. In fact, from March-October that’s required. Usual rules apply. Keep it off the porch. Be sneaky. Keep your bits to yourself. Make sure you have sufficient coverage. Don’t get arrested. Please note: the sapling in the front yard — or anywhere on the playground at school — doesn’t count as “sufficient coverage.”
Rule 8. Our toilet doesn’t leak. I know it’s pee. Clean it up.
Rule 9. No peeing on other people. Also, no peeing on the cat.
Rule 10. Gentlemen, when you’re seated, tuck it down; this is not a test to see if you can pee into the bathtub while pooping in the toilet. Speaking of which, as much as you’d like to think you can hit the plastic cup in the entryway by aiming through the slats of the railing on the second story landing, you can’t.
Rule 11. Even though it’s logistically possible, son, you may not pee at the same time and in the same toilet as your sister. While we’re raising you all to be self-sufficient enough to pay for your own counseling, we really do try to keep your future bill to a minimum.
Rule 12. No one needs a five pound, bowling ball-sized wad of toilet paper to wipe pee. No one. Moderation is key. Except when it comes to sleeping. You should always feel free to do excessive amounts of sleeping.
Rule 13. If you pee your pants, that’s fine. It happens to the best of us. It is not OK, however, to hide them behind the couch or stuff them into a closet so I won’t find them. I will find them. I will. And then none of us will be happy.
Rule 14. It is not OK pee in a jar and leave it where you’re playing because you’re too scared to go all the way upstairs to the bathroom. Also, do not use the Lysol bottle as a pee container; both products are yellow, and it makes me think I have more cleaner than I do.
Rule 15. Look at the toilet when you are peeing. Do not try to turn your head to see what your brother is doing. Do not try to pick up a toy off the counter. Do not try to engage me in conversation. Eyes straight ahead, and pee, man, pee.